Trying To Get Someone To Change? Here are 5 Things to Consider

“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little change you have in trying to change others."” 

- Benjamin Franklin

I first started writing blogs in the beginning of this year with the intention to share my experience, expertise and knowledge with friends and family. Half-way through the year I decided to expand my horizons and had the opportunity to post my blogs on LinkedIn. For the last six months I have received great comments, kudos and encouragement. I have also received quite a few interesting questions and suggestions.

I took the time yesterday to go through many of the suggestions and questions people have sent me. Interestingly, about 80% of the questions or suggestions are about making someone change their ways: “Can you write about how to make your boss be more engaged?”; “How can I point out to my sister that she is spending too much money?”; “Do you have any advice on how I can make my wife listen to me?” I slightly changed the structure of the questions, but all of these questions are about making someone do something, change something or realize something. I decided to address these questions in today’s blog and provide three things anyone should consider when trying to make someone change.

Adults have years of bad habits

Most people have done things in a certain way for years. Perhaps, you have a co-worker that likes to procrastinate (and that has probably worked for him throughout his life). Or perhaps you have a sibling that has always been late – always. It’s unrealistic for you to try to change someone who has exercised certain habits throughout their lifetime and expect that you can magically turn that around in a heartbeat. By the time we become adults those habits (good or bad) are practically engraved in our DNA.

Can these habits eventually change? Absolutely, but it takes more than a few words of encouragement (or discouragement) from you to make it happen. You can’t expect things to change overnight, you can’t expect consistency, and you can’t expect immediate buy-in. From my experience, the more things you want to change about a person, the more problems you’ll have in your relationship.

Who likes to have their flaws pointed out?

Sometimes we think we’re doing a person a favor by telling them what they need to hear to make them better. This can work with some people, but not everyone is the same. Not everyone likes to hear that they’re lazy, that they need to be more responsible, that they are unorganized or that they don’t know how to be diplomatic. In fact, I can guarantee that most people know these things about themselves and you reiterating what they already know is probably not going to help.

Most people are quick to point out the flaws of others, but offer no assistance, no advice or no solutions. Additionally, it’s not what you say but how you say it that matters in many occasions. I’m sure many people would like to be less lazy, a bit more organized, or would like to know how to be more diplomatic, but how can they learn those things? Can they look up a video on Youtube on how to be less lazy? At work, this is a problem many managers have when giving feedback – they only point out the “areas for development” but don’t offer any assistance, solutions, advice or steps to development to improve those areas.

You can’t make someone change

I have finally learned that you can’t make someone change – you can only help. We get so caught up in wanting to change our employees, our co-workers, our significant other, or our children. You can’t change someone – you can only help, you can only provide support and you can only guide. Many of us want people to change but are not willing to commit, to put in the time to help others change. We get frustrated and impatient because the other person is not willing to cooperate and we give up. If you won’t invest in helping others, who will? Invest time, energy and love to help others. All you can do is help. They are the only ones that can make change happen.

Look in the mirror first

Many times we focus so much on trying to change others or trying to get others to see things our way that we never stop and look in the mirror instead. What habits do we need to change? What do we have to change about ourselves? Instead of asking, “why isn’t he listening to me?”, ask “am I listening to him?” Are you requiring patience from someone else but you are not patient yourself? Are you demanding understanding from your boss but have never tried to understand yourself? Are you taking proactive steps to change your ways? If the answer is ‘no,’ then what makes you think you can change the ways of someone else?

Be the example

Change yourself first, then help others change. You can’t make someone change unless you have gone through a transformation yourself. Change your ways first and have people take notice. This has been the only effective way I have made change in others possible. I try to hold my tongue, and demonstrate how change is possible. Every day, try to be a better version of yourself and others will eventually want to become a better version of themselves without you having to say a word, having to point out anything and (sometimes) even needing to help. Become an exemplary human being of positive change and healthy relationships. Let the obstacles and challenges test you because that is the only way you’ll know if you’ve really changed. Then, you can provide hope that change is possible in others.

Perhaps this wasn’t the type of article that you expected but my hope was to help you see things through another set of lens. Max Depree, the great American author on Leadership once said: “We cannot become what we want to be by remaining who we are.”

Don't forget to share this blog so you can encourage others: family, co-workers, friends. Give them something to get motivated! You never know what they might be going through. A few words of encouragement can go a long way.  

Good or Bad? Which Inner Voice Are You Listening To?

“The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift."” 

– Albert Einstein

Cartoons are fun. Although I am an adult now, I still enjoy watching cartoons and in case you are wondering the answer is no – I don’t have any kids. Many cartoons have an episode where the cartoon character (whether it’s Homer Simpson, Sylvester the Cat or Donald Duck) is split between doing the right thing or doing something evil. Typically, you’ll see a little devil and a little angel on the shoulders of the cartoon character.

We are no different than those cartoons. Many times we are caught in the middle, maybe not between good and evil, but between positive and negative thoughts. We go back and forth between what we should do and what we should say and many times we follow the wrong inner voice.

The Bad Inner Voice

The bad inner voice is unfortunately the voice we listen to the most. This is the inner voice that brings you doubt – “you can’t do it.” This is the inner voice that gives you discouragement – “give up.” This is the inner voice that makes you feel guilty that tells you that “this is your reality” and tries to give you reasons why things “won’t work.” This inner voice also convinces you that you are not good enough, smart enough, creative enough or passionate enough. The worst part of this inner voice is that it knows you well and it uses fear to its advantage. It convinces you that everything can and will go wrong. This inner voice is powerful and sometimes we let it get the best of us.

The Good Inner Voice

The good inner voice can be more powerful than the bad inner voice. However, sometimes we are quick to shut the door on this voice. This inner voice is encouraging – “just try it.” This inner voice can motivate you – “you can do it.” Many times, the good inner voice seems as though it’s just a daydream because it makes things seem possible that might seem impossible. The good inner voice believes in you, believes in your ability, your skill set and your intentions.

Unfortunately, we think many times that the inner voice is just a fantasy voice, a voice that paints unicorns and rainbows. So what do we do? We shut it down and listen to the voice that makes more sense to us – the bad inner voice. That’s the voice that keeps it real, right?

Remember, the good inner voice targets the heart and the bad inner voice targets the mind. You are better than you think, if not, that good inner voice would never be there. Follow your heart a little more. Which voice should you start listening to? 

Don't forget to share this blog so you can encourage others: family, co-workers, friends. Give them something to get motivated! You never know what they might be going through. A few words of encouragement can go a long way.  

5 Things To Be Thankful For At Work

“Be grateful for what you have and stop complaining - it bores everyone else, does you no good, and doesn't solve any problems.” 

– Zig Ziglar

About a month ago I met with a friend and we had a long conversation about our jobs. My friend, disappointed, complained about the job he’s been doing for almost 10 years and described the work he does as “terrible.”

“My boss is a jerk,” my friend exclaimed,”and they work us like crazy.” He summarized the rest of his conversation with the words “it sucks.”

I looked at my friend and asked him if there was anything he liked about the job. He pondered a bit and came up with a few things he liked about his job. I followed up with a second question: is it really that bad?

I feel as though many people like to play the ‘victim’ at times and would rather prove why their job is worse than someone else’s. My perspective is quite different because I’ve been homeless, jobless and broke all at once so I cherish certain things that others might not (Read How I Survived With $11 In My Pocket). Here are at least five things to be thankful for at work:

Be thankful you have a job – Is not having a job really much better than having the job you currently have? Be thankful you are currently employed and receive a pay check every month. Some people might not have that privilege.

Be thankful you have work – It is one thing to have a job and another thing to have plenty of work to do. Having a lot of work, or a lot of business, is good. It provides you with stability.

Be thankful for the people you work with – Sometimes the job requires long hours and you might see your co-workers more than you might see your wife. Be thankful for the comraderies, joy and experience you share with your team.  

Be thankful you’re learning – I can almost guarantee that the person you were when you first started working wherever you are is no longer the person you are now. You’ve grown professionally and will continue to learn. Be thankful for that opportunity.

Be thankful for the challenges – When your day becomes more challenging, you become stronger. Without challenges there is no effort, no growth and no strength. Be thankful that you have been challenged physically and/or mentally and you are a smarter, stronger person.

There are other things to be thankful for. Make sure to show your gratitude at work this week and reflect on the positive things your job has to offer. 

Don't forget to share this blog so you can encourage others: family, co-workers, friends. Give them something to get motivated! You never know what they might be going through. A few words of encouragement can go a long way. 

What Will Your Attitude Be Like Today?

"You can be happy or mad."

- My mother

There are many things I remember about my childhood. I remember trips we took, soccer games I played and things my mom did or said. For example, my mom loved her chancla (sandal). She not only used them to walk around the house but she would use it as a threat if you did something wrong. Her aim was so good she could hit anything from a mile away.

Besides her chancla, I remember my mother’s words. As a kid, I would pout about the advice my mom was giving me or the guidance she would provide. Whenever I was angry about something, my mom would say in Spanish, “puedes contentarte o enojarte – como tu quieras.” This translates to “you can be happy or mad, it’s up to you.”

We might not think of our attitude as a choice but it truly is. Attitude is a lever we have inside us that we can actually control. Anyone can tell what mood you’re in. They can tell by your body language, your choice of words and, more importantly, your face. Your attitude will control the rest of your body and mind, but you must control it first. John C. Maxwell said, “people may hear your words, but they can feel your attitude.”

The interesting thing about our attitude is that it’s contagious. If someone is having a bad day it can also get to us. However, if you bring joy to your office or your department it can also get to those around you. Attitude is something powerful. Think about the times you might have had someone at work or in your home nagging, complaining, bitter or depressed. Doesn’t it fill the atmosphere in the room or in that place?

You will decide what your attitude will be today. You have the power to control it. Will you shine in positivity, smiles and joy or will you drown others with your unpleasant attitude? Like my mother said, “it’s up to you.”

Don't forget to share this blog so you can encourage others: family, co-workers, friends. Give them something to get motivated! You never know what they might be going through. A few words of encouragement can go a long way.

Is The Glass Half-Empty or Half-Full? 3 Tips To Help You Become More Positive

"Whether you think you can, or you think you can't - you're right!."

- Henry Ford

I took my first philosophy class in college when I was 18. One weekend, I thought I would enlighten my nieces and nephews, who were between 11 and 13 years old at the time, with some questions to ponder. I filled up a glass half-way and asked them the question: is the glass half-full or half-empty?

“Full?” One of my nieces asked.

“Actually, I think it’s more than half-way full,” one of my nephews comments.

I stopped them at once to try to explain what the question meant and how it reflected the point of view people might have on life. I thought I clarified things a bit more, but shortly after, one of my nieces asked, “…so did we get it right?”

It’s difficult to change the perception of adults. Adults have too many years of negative thoughts and bad habits under their belt that it makes it difficult to change their ways or become more positive. Yes, it’s difficult for someone to be 100% positive 100% of the time, but having a positive mind set will completely change your life.

Noticed that I said that it’s difficult, not impossible to change the perception of adults. There are ways to think more positively and below are just a few that have helped me personally.

Change your vocabulary

Have you noticed if you commonly use negative words like ‘can’t’, ‘impossible,’ or ‘no’? This is a habitual vocabulary that you developed over time that can be reversed. Below are some examples of how you can change the words you use. Make sure you make it a routine to change your vocabulary.

Negative comments	Positive comments
I can’t do that	How can I do that?
That’s impossible	How can I make it possible?
I’m not good enough	How can I get better?

Surround yourself with positive people

There are certain people that can be easily influenced by others. This could be a bad thing if the people influencing you are negative. Negativity and positivity is contagious. Surround yourself around people who will influence you in a good way and who believe in you. If you can’t think of anyone, it might be time to find a new crowd.

Focus on accomplishments

Most of the time we focus on what we could have done better or what we need to improve and completely forget the things we’ve done well. Start a log, a journal or a diary where you can write down your accomplishments for the week. (Read Can You Answer This OneSimple Question About Last Week?). I typically do this on Friday. On Fridays, I think back and try to come up with at least 3 accomplishments I had for the week. This routine has helped me in two ways: (1) I feel more accomplished and (2) I now think about what I want to accomplish for the following week.

There is no right way to become a positive thinker. All it takes is some effort and consistent habits to see a glass that is half-full.  

Don't forget to share this blog so you can encourage others: family, co-workers, friends. Give them something to get motivated! You never know what they might be going through. A few words of encouragement can go a long way.