Take The Quiz Now - Know Your Primary Love Language

"The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love."

- Gary Chapman

The first time I read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, I thought I was going to go broke. After reading the book I began to realize that the love language of my girlfriend was receiving gifts. Many things went through my mind. I was getting scared because I'm not a person of giving gifts. For almost three years the only presents I gave were gift cards, board games that were on sale or soccer balls. I also became worried because I thought I would have to spend a lot of money on gifts for my girlfriend because I wanted her to feel loved the way she wanted to be loved.

I later began to ask my girlfriend some questions about the gifts I gave her. I bought her dresses, flowers, clothes and a lot of other nice things. However, I found out later that the best gifts were not the ones I bought. She loved a menu I wrote with my hands for a Valentine's dinner that I made for her. She also loved when made her breakfast in the morning and wrote a little love note to go with her sandwiches. I then discovered something: This whole time I assumed her love language was Receiving Gifts. I was wrong.

In a previous blog we discussed the importance of knowing your love language, but it is as equally important for you to know the love language of the person you love, or the people in your relationships (Read Are You And Your Significant Other Speaking Two Different Languages?). The love language theory doesn't only apply to intimate relationships or marriages. The theory applies to any relationship: the relationship you have with your daughter, the relationship you have with your boss or the relationship you have with your best friend. 

Lucky for you there is help! Below are two links, one so that you can take the quiz online to know your primary love language and the other link so that you can download the same quiz in a PDF form, depending on your preference. I suggest that you also encourage others to take the quiz and maybe have a discussion about this. You definitely want to be on the same page and know what love language you need to learn.

You don't want to assume your communicating in the other person's love language when you're really not. Don't do what I did. In case you wanted to know, my girlfriend's love language was actually Acts of Service. Enjoy the quiz!

The 5 Love Languages Quiz - Online

The 5 Love Languages Quiz - PDF

Don't forget to share this blog so you can encourage others: family, co-workers, friends. Give them something to get motivated! You never know what they might be going through. A few words of encouragement can go a long way.

Are You And Your Significant Other Speaking Two Different Languages?

"Love is a language spoken by everyone but understood only by the heart."

- Unknown

I was boarding a flight to Dallas a few years ago in Los Angeles. I put my stuff away and sat down ready to take flight. All of a sudden, a flight attendant asked a question on the PA: "does anyone know how to speak Portuguese? We need help translating."

Now, I've never taken any Portuguese classes but I have listened to a few songs in Portuguese and my girlfriend took a Portuguese class and would practice with me so I would do what anyone else would do in this situation - I raised my hand. The flight attendant flagged me down and took me to the Brazilian lady who was trying to explain something. I quickly said to the lady, "I speak a little Portuguese" (which were probably the only words I knew at the time). The lady spoke so fast too me that I started speaking to her in Spanish and then in English and then in a mix of what I thought was Portuguese and Spanish. Finally, I decided to use hand gestures and figured out somehow that she was concerned about her baggage being taken to the bottom of the plane because there was no room in any compartment.

I somehow 'made it' work that day, but it was evident that we were coming from two different worlds. Yesterday, I introduced the concept of The Five Love Languages, from a book written by Gary Chapman (Read The Five Love Languages - Which One Is Your Love Language?). You might have guessed which one could be your love language, but did you guess the love language of your significant other? If you concluded that you have a different love language than your boyfriend, or your mother or your best friend, then guess what - you too are speaking two completely different languages!

The most important thing about the love languages, is not so much understanding what your love language is, but more than anything learning the love languages of other people. For example, let's say the love language of your wife is Receiving Gifts. You can tell her how pretty she is every single day, tell her how much you love her every single minute and hug her and kiss her as much as you want but she will not feel loved. She might think what you're doing is nice but if her primary love language isn't Words of Affirmation or Physical Touch, you are speaking a foreign language to her. 

According to Mr. Chapman, most of the time, the biggest reason why couples have certain issues isn't due to financial issues or kids. The biggest issues that couples face is a huge difference in the way they communicate their love to each other. Many times, the way you like to receive love is also the way you like to show your love. Therefore, if your love language is Words of Affirmation, you like to give words to others to show your appreciation or your love. However, that might not be the love language of others and you might be missing out on showing how you truly feel simply because you never learned the other person's love language.

The five love languages is something you should truly examine. Like my experience at the airport, I just barely got through to the other person and I sort of understood what was going on. Are you just getting by in your relationships because you haven't taken the time to understand other people and their love language? True connections are built when you love others the way they want to be loved. Are you and your loved one speaking two different love languages? Feel free to share.

Don't forget to share this blog so you can encourage others: family, co-workers, friends. Give them something to get motivated! You never know what they might be going through. A few words of encouragement can go a long way.

The 5 Love Languages - Which One Is Your Love Language?

"Love is a choice you  make everyday."

- Gary Chapman

A few years ago a friend of mine pretty much went broke trying to impress a girl. He bought her flowers, candy, a bracelet, a purse and would take her to dinner all the time. After a few months of dating, the girl decided that there was someone else for her out there and she went with some other guy. My friend was devastated and didn't know what he was doing wrong.

In 1995, Gary Chapman wrote a book called The Five Love Languages. As a marriace counselor, (just like me, Read How I Accidentally Became A Marriace Counselor In One Month) Mr. Chapman worked with hundreds of married couples, trying to help them get through their struggles. His theory revolutionized the way we think abou love. According to Mr. Chapman, there are five love languages and each person has a primary love language. Let's take a look at the different love languages and see if you can identify your own.

Words of Affirmation
To some people words are extremely powerful, much more than any gift, money or act of kindness. If this is your love language, words mean a lot to you. You would rather here an "I'm proud of you" than get a gift from someone. Hearing the words "I love you" and listening to why you are loved mean the world to you. Words affirm your confidence and confirm the love someone has for you. At the same time, you demonstrate your love to others through words. Similarly, negative words or the lack of words someone gives you can be like a dagger to your heart. 

Receiving Gifts
Most men believe women just love receiving gifts. I assume my friend believed that to be true about the girl he liked, which is why he showered her with gifts. If this is your love language, you not only love to receive gifts (big and small) but you also love to give gifts. You also put a lot of meaning to gifts and probably keep certain gifts for a very long time because of its meaning. You treasure gifts from certain occasions and you feel plenty of joy when you receive gifts. Since this is your primary language, you also love to give gifts to show your love or appreciation to others. You put a lot of thought into what you're going to give someone and probably spend too much time figuring out how to wrap the gift. Every detail in a gift is important to you. 

Quality Time
There are those who love gifts, those who love words, and those who love spending quality time with their loved ones. They don't need words to express themselves or gifts to show love. If quality time is your love language, then you love one-on-one time with people. You love having those intimate, personal conversations and like to be with someone face to face for quite some time. You value the time you have with someone and look forward to every minute. You also hate when your quality time is interrupted. 

Acts of Service
If you come from a more "traditional" upbringing, then Acts of Service could be your love language. If acts of service is your love language, then you love it when people do things for you, particularly your loved ones. You love it when people follow through on their promises and fulfill their responsibilities. You believe your partner should wash the car, take out the trash and help out around the house. That's how you know your partner loves you. Chores are very important to you and maintaining a happy home is very important to you. You like the acts of kindness from others whether is helping you with something, repairing something or cleaning something for you.

Physical Touch
Non-verbal communication is extremely important to someone whose love language is physical touch. You get a good feeling inside when someone gives you a hug, taps you on the back for doing a good job or if your loved one holds your hand without asking. You love kisses and you love to show your affection to others. You hate physical neglect and the absence of someone's touch kills you inside.

According to Mr. Chapman, everyone has a primary love language and a secondary love language. Although you might think you have, or know, all five love language, there is always one that will stand out to you. Which one do you believe is your love language?


Don't forget to share this blog so you can encourage others: family, co-workers, friends. Give them something to get motivated! You never know what they might be going through. A few words of encouragement can go a long way.

Working Hard Or Hardly Working? 3 Simple Tips That Will Improve Your Emotional Bank Account At Work

"Happiness is realizing how awesome the people around you are."

- Unknown

I recently had a discussion with a friend of mine who is a manager at her company. She manages about 10 people in her department but she felt a little down because the productivity of her employees was decreasing and she was feeling the pressure. You can tell this was getting to her because she was losing hope that things would get better. Before giving any advice, I tried to understand what was going on by asking questions. When I asked her what she believed was the problem she told me that she no longer had a budget for incentives so her team had no reason to get motivated.

As I continued to ask questions, her replies were similar. She truly believed that the biggest problem was a money issue. She felt that money motivated her team and if there was no money there was no motivation. This is a very common assumption for many managers and employers. Although many people are motivated by money, money will not solve all problems. 

I've been in a situation like her's a few years ago and it took me a while to find out that the problem wasn't money, a budget or incentives. The problem was me - the manager. I self-reflected on my daily routine, my habits, my words and I was able to change things around without having to make any monetary changes. The tips I'm about to share with you are simple and although they might seem too simple, they truly do work. I wish I knew about the Emotional Bank Account back then (Read Your Emotional Bank Account - When Was The Last Time You Checked It?).

Greet Everyone & Say Hello
As a person who is very ambitious and likes to be very focused, I used to come into the office and go straight to my desk to work and knock out a lot of things early. I later learned about the art of saying hello. Yes, I had to learn this because I didn't think this made a difference. I assumed everyone was like me and they just wanted to get their work done. I changed my routine and every morning as soon as I got to the office I spent a few minutes just greeting everyone, saying hello and asking how they were. Sometimes it even took me 45 minutes to get to my desk because someone wanted to talk, vent or discuss something with me. I prioritized the greetings before my own work and it made a huge difference in the working relationship I had with my co-workers. I didn't know it at the time, but I was making a lot of deposits by doing something as small as saying "hello." Do you say "hello" to people in your office, even if they're not in your department or do you just go straight to your desk and do your own thing?

Recognize & Praise
Before I became a manager I had very strong relationships with the people around me who I would later manage. I always thought that it was the boss' responsibility to praise and recognize but that is actually not true. I think this is a responsibility that we should all have regardless of our title. I recognized my co-workers for their good work and praised them for their hard efforts when things were tough. Little by little camaraderie developed along the way and when I eventually became their manager it was a smoother transition than I thought. As a manager, giving feedback is extremely important, but is the feedback you give only to correct others? Many managers feel as though they only need to talk to their employees when they are doing something wrong. This is not true. All managers need to have a strong balance with the feedback they give, good or bad. I have personally found that recognition and praise is a very powerful tool when used properly. Are you recognizing your co-workers or your employees (even your boss) or do you only go to them when there is something wrong?

Help
Many people at work come with the attitude that they can't do more than what they're asked for because they're not getting paid enough. With that mentality, you won't get far. Before I became a manager I raised my hand for any project,  especially if it had to do with helping my team. Sometimes I did take on more than I could chew, but if I wasn't there to help my team, they would have had to carry a lot of weight on their shoulders. As a manager, helping is also a crucial responsibility that many managers don't want to do. Yes, rolling up your sleeve is one way to be an in-the-trenches manager that can earn a lot of respect from your employees, but there are other ways that you can help your team as a manager. As a manager, are you helping your employees become better or are they not growing under your leadership? Many times we feel that as managers our job ends when we give directions or advice. However, many times the biggest help we can give someone is an honest effort to understand where our employees are coming from. How are you helping others at work? Are you helping at all or are you just about yourself?


The best thing about the tips I shared is that they don't cost a single dime! Incentive programs are great but they won't resolve issues and many times they give others a feel of entitlement that they earned something when it might just be part of their job. If you summarize my tips, you'll find out that the way to build strong relationships and become rich in your Emotional Bank Account is to do something simple: Forget about yourself and put others first. It's simple, but very hard to do. Enjoy your weekend. 

Don't forget to share this blog so you can encourage others: family, co-workers, friends. Give them something to get motivated! You never know what they might be going through. A few words of encouragement can go a long way.

3 Ways To Avoid Withdrawing Too Much From Your Emotional Bank Account

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood."

- Stephen Covey

Two days ago our internet stopped working in our office. We waited a few minutes to see if it would come back and after 30 minutes we made a phone call to Verizon. Verizon told us they couldn't help us because it was a router issue. An hour passed by and we had our staff just waiting to see what we would do. We had to get the internet back because we were behind on our work. Since we no longer have an IT person, we were on our own to figure this out.

The Operations Manager and I went to the router and just saw wires and buttons. We did what any other person would do under these circumstances: we started pressing buttons and moving wires. If there was a button that had a light on or off we would press it. I've never pressed so many buttons in my life! We turned switches off and on or unplugged them and then plugged them back in to see if that would help. The next morning we had someone take a look at what we did. It turns out, we made matters worse because we completely wiped out the router. 

As we've been discussing the importance of our Emotional Bank Account (Read Your Emotional Bank Account - When Was The Last Time You Checked It?), it's not only good to know how to make more deposits, but also how to make less withdrawals. Sometimes we continue to press the wrong button in a relationship and that button has a big red withdrawal label. My intention is to help you make less withdrawals.

Seek First To Understand, Then To Be Understood
Sometimes we can be very selfish. We want our needs to be ahead of someone else's. During a conversation or a meeting, we want others to understand us more, but we don't put in the effort to understand others..Are you trying to understand other people? Are you trying to help others? Practice the art of listening and understanding. Practice the art of being engaged. 


Examine Your Attitude
Attitude is extremely important. What is your attitude contributing to a relationship? Negativity (aka withdrawals)? Do you bring smiles to your relationships? Do you motivate others or do you crush their dreams? Last week I wrote about true friendship and your circle of influences (Read Valuable Lessons From My Mom: You Are What You Eat And You Who You Hang Around With). Are you the one encouraging others or the friend that believes nothing is possible? Or, plainly, are you the 'angry' one in the relationship or the 'sad' one, the 'jerk' or the 'unmotivated' one. Or, depending on the conversation, are you just 'pressing' the wrong buttons purposely?

Make Promises and Keep Them
Sometimes, we don't want to commit to things with someone because we don't want to let them down. Therefore, we say things like "I don't want to say 'yes' because I have a lot going on" or "I don't want to give you a time." Although you think you might be doing the other person a favor by not making any promises, you are actually missing out on some good deposits. Additionally, the more you do this, the more likely it will become a withdrawal from your Emotional Bank Account. Start by making a simple promise and keeping it. Practice making that small deposit first. Then, continue getting into the habit of making promises and following through. Trust is everything in a relationship. Make others trust you.

Relationships will always be a work in progress. How are you avoiding making too many withdrawals from your relationships? Are you contributing to your relationships or pressing the wrong buttons and wiping out your Emotional Bank Account?

Don't forget to share this blog so you can encourage others: family, co-workers, friends. Give them something to get motivated! You never know what they might be going through. A few words of encouragement can go a long way.

7 Exceptional Ways To Invest In Your Emotional Bank Account

"When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion."

- Dale Carnegie

They say a dog is a man's best friend. Even before you get out of the car, your dog knows it's you because he heard you pull up to the driveway. As you look for your keys you hear your dog barking with excitement because he's about to see his favorite person. As soon as you step into your home to greet your dog, your dog goes crazy for you. 

Why do we say that a dog is a man's best friend? I think it's because a dog submits to our wants, needs, emotions and desires. The dog is there to keep us company, get excited about seeing us and give us love and compassion when we need it. Most of the time the dog invests in our Emotional Bank Account without wanting anything in return. Do we do the same with our relationships? Are we really investing in our Emotional Bank Account or do we have way too many withdrawals? Here are seven ways you can invest in your Emotional Bank Account, most of them taken from Stephen Covey's book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (Read Your Emotional Bank Account - When Was The Last Time You Checked It?).

1. Seek First to Understand, Then To Be Understood
Stephen Covey dedicated an entire chapter solely on the skill of listening. Next time you want to express your opinion or give advice - don't. Instead, practice the habit of listening and understanding. Put your efforts more in the "understanding" part and less on the "what should I say next" part. 

2. Attend to the Little Things
It sounds like a cliche but the little things really do count. However, do you know what those little things are? Take some time to find out what are the little things in your relationships that make a big deal? Maybe it's just one-on-one time, a conversation over the phone or a smile.

3. Keep Commitments
Trust is key to any relationship. If you're telling your wife that you'll be home at 7pm but your consistently arriving at 8pm, you are breaking a trust barrier that is important to the relationship. Respect your relationships by being on time, keeping promises and holding yourself accountable to the other person. 

4. Clarify Expectations
Miscommunication is very common. You might have said one thing and the other person thought you said something different. Always strive for clarity even if you have to be repetitive. It's better to be safe than sorry because if you're sorry you have to make a withdrawal. 

5. Show Personal Integrity
Do the right thing. That's really what integrity is all about - doing the right thing. It's those little things you sacrifice that make up huge deposits. 

6. Apologize Sincerely When Making A Withdrawal
Pride means trouble. I have yet to be convinced that pride is a good thing, especially in relationships. If you're too proud to apologize or to forgive someone, your Emotional Bank Account is about to go bankrupt. Apologize with sincerity. 

7. Be Kind
Kindness is one of the easiest ways to invest in the Emotional Bank Account of your relationships. Instead of nagging about the dishes, do them yourself. Instead of always pointing out what the other person did wrong, tell her what she did right. Kindness is simple, yet we forget to use it sometimes.

We can learn a lot from our dogs - loyalty, care, true excitement. The most important thing I learned from a man's best friend is that there is no such thing as making too many deposits in any Emotional Bank Account. Let your relationships become rich!


Don't forget to share this blog so you can encourage others: family, co-workers, friends. Give them something to get motivated! You never know what they might be going through. A few words of encouragement can go a long way.

Your Emotional Bank Account - When Was The Last Time You Checked It?

"Relationships can be built only if you invest time in people"

- Katie Kacvinsky

Have you ever had that awkward moment in the car where you and your spouse might have had an argument of some sort but you're stuck together in the car for another 30 minutes? You try to somehow talk to the other person by making eye contact but you can't really make eye contact because you're the one driving so you try to think about what to say next. Then, you say what you think is the right thing but it's making matters worse! You think about pulling over to discuss what's going on, but you kind of just want to get to your destination so you keep driving hoping that the right words will come from above. Then, you hit traffic!

As I mentioned before, relationships take work - hard work (Read Want to Build Strong Relationships? Listen to Ben Affleck). Under the circumstances I described, it is important to gauge what is truly happening and how to handle these types of situations. One theory to really understand when working on relationships is the theory of the Emotional Bank Account. 

A few years ago I was introduced to an amazing book that made me self-reflect and change a few of my bad habits to develop new positive ones. The name of the book was The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. In the book, I learned many theories that I still use today, but one theory that stood out to me was the Emotional Bank Account. This is a crucial theory that can be applied to any type of relationship: your marriage, your employees, your friends. 

The concept is similar to a bank account you might have with Wells Fargo or any other bank. If you invest $200 every month towards your savings account, your investment will obviously grow. However, if you withdrawal $250 from that same account every month, you will end up in the negative. 

The Emotional Bank Account theory works in the same way. It's divided into two sections: the emotional deposits and emotional withdrawals. In any relationship, there is an Emotional Bank Account that you have with the other person. The more you contribute to the relationship with words, works, acts and love the stronger the relationship. This means that your Emotional Bank Account is getting pretty full. On the other hand, if you withdrawal too much from that Emotional Bank Account by asking for too many favors, being too demanding, contributing negativity, hate, jealousy, or anger then you might end up broke! This means that you might be feeling good about yourself in this relationship or at that moment, but the other person might be completely wiped out. This is when relationships really struggle. 

Take a moment to think about your relationships. Maybe start with your significant other or a close friend or your sister. Have you been depositing or investing into the Emotional Bank Account? How have you been contributing? Are you making more withdrawals or deposits?

Don't forget to share this blog so you can encourage others: family, co-workers, friends. Give them something to get motivated! You never know what they might be going through. A few words of encouragement can go a long way.