Trying To Get Someone To Change? Here are 5 Things to Consider

“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little change you have in trying to change others."” 

- Benjamin Franklin

I first started writing blogs in the beginning of this year with the intention to share my experience, expertise and knowledge with friends and family. Half-way through the year I decided to expand my horizons and had the opportunity to post my blogs on LinkedIn. For the last six months I have received great comments, kudos and encouragement. I have also received quite a few interesting questions and suggestions.

I took the time yesterday to go through many of the suggestions and questions people have sent me. Interestingly, about 80% of the questions or suggestions are about making someone change their ways: “Can you write about how to make your boss be more engaged?”; “How can I point out to my sister that she is spending too much money?”; “Do you have any advice on how I can make my wife listen to me?” I slightly changed the structure of the questions, but all of these questions are about making someone do something, change something or realize something. I decided to address these questions in today’s blog and provide three things anyone should consider when trying to make someone change.

Adults have years of bad habits

Most people have done things in a certain way for years. Perhaps, you have a co-worker that likes to procrastinate (and that has probably worked for him throughout his life). Or perhaps you have a sibling that has always been late – always. It’s unrealistic for you to try to change someone who has exercised certain habits throughout their lifetime and expect that you can magically turn that around in a heartbeat. By the time we become adults those habits (good or bad) are practically engraved in our DNA.

Can these habits eventually change? Absolutely, but it takes more than a few words of encouragement (or discouragement) from you to make it happen. You can’t expect things to change overnight, you can’t expect consistency, and you can’t expect immediate buy-in. From my experience, the more things you want to change about a person, the more problems you’ll have in your relationship.

Who likes to have their flaws pointed out?

Sometimes we think we’re doing a person a favor by telling them what they need to hear to make them better. This can work with some people, but not everyone is the same. Not everyone likes to hear that they’re lazy, that they need to be more responsible, that they are unorganized or that they don’t know how to be diplomatic. In fact, I can guarantee that most people know these things about themselves and you reiterating what they already know is probably not going to help.

Most people are quick to point out the flaws of others, but offer no assistance, no advice or no solutions. Additionally, it’s not what you say but how you say it that matters in many occasions. I’m sure many people would like to be less lazy, a bit more organized, or would like to know how to be more diplomatic, but how can they learn those things? Can they look up a video on Youtube on how to be less lazy? At work, this is a problem many managers have when giving feedback – they only point out the “areas for development” but don’t offer any assistance, solutions, advice or steps to development to improve those areas.

You can’t make someone change

I have finally learned that you can’t make someone change – you can only help. We get so caught up in wanting to change our employees, our co-workers, our significant other, or our children. You can’t change someone – you can only help, you can only provide support and you can only guide. Many of us want people to change but are not willing to commit, to put in the time to help others change. We get frustrated and impatient because the other person is not willing to cooperate and we give up. If you won’t invest in helping others, who will? Invest time, energy and love to help others. All you can do is help. They are the only ones that can make change happen.

Look in the mirror first

Many times we focus so much on trying to change others or trying to get others to see things our way that we never stop and look in the mirror instead. What habits do we need to change? What do we have to change about ourselves? Instead of asking, “why isn’t he listening to me?”, ask “am I listening to him?” Are you requiring patience from someone else but you are not patient yourself? Are you demanding understanding from your boss but have never tried to understand yourself? Are you taking proactive steps to change your ways? If the answer is ‘no,’ then what makes you think you can change the ways of someone else?

Be the example

Change yourself first, then help others change. You can’t make someone change unless you have gone through a transformation yourself. Change your ways first and have people take notice. This has been the only effective way I have made change in others possible. I try to hold my tongue, and demonstrate how change is possible. Every day, try to be a better version of yourself and others will eventually want to become a better version of themselves without you having to say a word, having to point out anything and (sometimes) even needing to help. Become an exemplary human being of positive change and healthy relationships. Let the obstacles and challenges test you because that is the only way you’ll know if you’ve really changed. Then, you can provide hope that change is possible in others.

Perhaps this wasn’t the type of article that you expected but my hope was to help you see things through another set of lens. Max Depree, the great American author on Leadership once said: “We cannot become what we want to be by remaining who we are.”

Don't forget to share this blog so you can encourage others: family, co-workers, friends. Give them something to get motivated! You never know what they might be going through. A few words of encouragement can go a long way.