Trying To Get Someone To Change? Here are 5 Things to Consider

“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little change you have in trying to change others."” 

- Benjamin Franklin

I first started writing blogs in the beginning of this year with the intention to share my experience, expertise and knowledge with friends and family. Half-way through the year I decided to expand my horizons and had the opportunity to post my blogs on LinkedIn. For the last six months I have received great comments, kudos and encouragement. I have also received quite a few interesting questions and suggestions.

I took the time yesterday to go through many of the suggestions and questions people have sent me. Interestingly, about 80% of the questions or suggestions are about making someone change their ways: “Can you write about how to make your boss be more engaged?”; “How can I point out to my sister that she is spending too much money?”; “Do you have any advice on how I can make my wife listen to me?” I slightly changed the structure of the questions, but all of these questions are about making someone do something, change something or realize something. I decided to address these questions in today’s blog and provide three things anyone should consider when trying to make someone change.

Adults have years of bad habits

Most people have done things in a certain way for years. Perhaps, you have a co-worker that likes to procrastinate (and that has probably worked for him throughout his life). Or perhaps you have a sibling that has always been late – always. It’s unrealistic for you to try to change someone who has exercised certain habits throughout their lifetime and expect that you can magically turn that around in a heartbeat. By the time we become adults those habits (good or bad) are practically engraved in our DNA.

Can these habits eventually change? Absolutely, but it takes more than a few words of encouragement (or discouragement) from you to make it happen. You can’t expect things to change overnight, you can’t expect consistency, and you can’t expect immediate buy-in. From my experience, the more things you want to change about a person, the more problems you’ll have in your relationship.

Who likes to have their flaws pointed out?

Sometimes we think we’re doing a person a favor by telling them what they need to hear to make them better. This can work with some people, but not everyone is the same. Not everyone likes to hear that they’re lazy, that they need to be more responsible, that they are unorganized or that they don’t know how to be diplomatic. In fact, I can guarantee that most people know these things about themselves and you reiterating what they already know is probably not going to help.

Most people are quick to point out the flaws of others, but offer no assistance, no advice or no solutions. Additionally, it’s not what you say but how you say it that matters in many occasions. I’m sure many people would like to be less lazy, a bit more organized, or would like to know how to be more diplomatic, but how can they learn those things? Can they look up a video on Youtube on how to be less lazy? At work, this is a problem many managers have when giving feedback – they only point out the “areas for development” but don’t offer any assistance, solutions, advice or steps to development to improve those areas.

You can’t make someone change

I have finally learned that you can’t make someone change – you can only help. We get so caught up in wanting to change our employees, our co-workers, our significant other, or our children. You can’t change someone – you can only help, you can only provide support and you can only guide. Many of us want people to change but are not willing to commit, to put in the time to help others change. We get frustrated and impatient because the other person is not willing to cooperate and we give up. If you won’t invest in helping others, who will? Invest time, energy and love to help others. All you can do is help. They are the only ones that can make change happen.

Look in the mirror first

Many times we focus so much on trying to change others or trying to get others to see things our way that we never stop and look in the mirror instead. What habits do we need to change? What do we have to change about ourselves? Instead of asking, “why isn’t he listening to me?”, ask “am I listening to him?” Are you requiring patience from someone else but you are not patient yourself? Are you demanding understanding from your boss but have never tried to understand yourself? Are you taking proactive steps to change your ways? If the answer is ‘no,’ then what makes you think you can change the ways of someone else?

Be the example

Change yourself first, then help others change. You can’t make someone change unless you have gone through a transformation yourself. Change your ways first and have people take notice. This has been the only effective way I have made change in others possible. I try to hold my tongue, and demonstrate how change is possible. Every day, try to be a better version of yourself and others will eventually want to become a better version of themselves without you having to say a word, having to point out anything and (sometimes) even needing to help. Become an exemplary human being of positive change and healthy relationships. Let the obstacles and challenges test you because that is the only way you’ll know if you’ve really changed. Then, you can provide hope that change is possible in others.

Perhaps this wasn’t the type of article that you expected but my hope was to help you see things through another set of lens. Max Depree, the great American author on Leadership once said: “We cannot become what we want to be by remaining who we are.”

Don't forget to share this blog so you can encourage others: family, co-workers, friends. Give them something to get motivated! You never know what they might be going through. A few words of encouragement can go a long way.  

5 Things You Might Do Well At Work But Terribly At Home

“Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life."” 
- Unknown

A few months ago I met with a friend who wanted me to help her with her finances. She felt she never had any money and she didn’t know what to do. She wasn’t asking me for money but she wanted me to go over her budget and see what things she needs to change.

After she asked me to help her, I paused for a bit and asked her a question.

“Wait a minute,” I said, “don’t you manage a multi-million budget at work?”

“Yeah, I know,” she responded, “I guess I never thought about my own budget.”

Many times we acquire great skills at work – skills we probably didn’t have before. We might have learned a bit more about finance, accounting, time management, organization, leadership, management, and teamwork or communication skills. The interesting thing is that time after time I meet someone or someone I know comes to me because they’re struggling with something personally that they might be doing well at work. Below are a few of these things many people do well at work but, for some reason, don’t do a good job at home.

Manage a Budget

As discussed in the introduction above, there are many people who manage a lot of money at work, but for some reason can’t or don’t manage their personal finances. Money management is a great skill to have and many of us have it. Use that skill to take control of your spending, your budget and your credit. Just like you spend an ample amount of time at work looking over numbers and making decisions, you should do the same at home. Make the time and effort because I can guarantee you that your money is more important to you.

Organize Yourself

I had a friend a few years ago who introduced me to his co-worker. His co-worker bragged about how organized my friend was. I was shocked. I didn’t say anything, but I knew my friend for at least 5 years and our circle of friends knew that he was awfully unorganized. My friend was messy, he never knew where he left papers and he was always late paying bills – and he was my roommate. Organization is another great skill to have. Transfer that skill to your personal life and, just like you do at work, you will become more productive.

Follow Up

As a program manager a few years ago, my goal was to acquire and retain new business for the company. Anyone that has ever worked on sales knows that following up is key to getting the sale. I did a great job at work, but a terrible job following up with friends and family. At work, I used to respond to our stakeholders in less than 24 hours. At home, I would receive a call, a voice message, a text message and you would be lucky if you heard from me. The people outside of work are very important to you, probably more important than the people you’re trying to sell to. Apply the same rules at home as you do at work. Be responsive at home, be accessible and just make sure you return phone calls.

Manage Your Time

Productivity is important at work. Many of us use an Outlook calendar to schedule our time at work and we try to stick to it as much as we can. We include meetings, tasks, projects and more meetings in our calendar. However, many of us don’t do the same with our personal life. We don’t schedule our life! Plan a date with your significant other, schedule the time when you’ll pay your bills, don’t forget your little cousin’s birthday party, and schedule some time to grow. You will accomplish more in life if you apply the same time management strategies you use at work.

Exercise Your Patience

I had a niece that used to work at a fast food chain. Anyone that has ever worked in fast food knows that you have to be very patient with the customers. My niece was always very polite, patient and professional when speaking to customers. At home though, my niece was the opposite. She hated waiting, she hated how her younger sister would nag and she couldn’t stand being at home. Patience is a great virtue. At work we become very patient with clients, co-workers and our boss. It shouldn’t be any different at home. Why does it all of a sudden change? Take the same measures and effort you apply at work to your home and you will be happier. There is no difference.

Are you a different person at work as you are at home? I always believed you should always exercise the great qualities you were given as a human being, no matter where you are. In fact, I think these qualities are much more needed at home than at work. 

Don't forget to share this blog so you can encourage others: family, co-workers, friends. Give them something to get motivated! You never know what they might be going through. A few words of encouragement can go a long way.  

Good or Bad? Which Inner Voice Are You Listening To?

“The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift."” 

– Albert Einstein

Cartoons are fun. Although I am an adult now, I still enjoy watching cartoons and in case you are wondering the answer is no – I don’t have any kids. Many cartoons have an episode where the cartoon character (whether it’s Homer Simpson, Sylvester the Cat or Donald Duck) is split between doing the right thing or doing something evil. Typically, you’ll see a little devil and a little angel on the shoulders of the cartoon character.

We are no different than those cartoons. Many times we are caught in the middle, maybe not between good and evil, but between positive and negative thoughts. We go back and forth between what we should do and what we should say and many times we follow the wrong inner voice.

The Bad Inner Voice

The bad inner voice is unfortunately the voice we listen to the most. This is the inner voice that brings you doubt – “you can’t do it.” This is the inner voice that gives you discouragement – “give up.” This is the inner voice that makes you feel guilty that tells you that “this is your reality” and tries to give you reasons why things “won’t work.” This inner voice also convinces you that you are not good enough, smart enough, creative enough or passionate enough. The worst part of this inner voice is that it knows you well and it uses fear to its advantage. It convinces you that everything can and will go wrong. This inner voice is powerful and sometimes we let it get the best of us.

The Good Inner Voice

The good inner voice can be more powerful than the bad inner voice. However, sometimes we are quick to shut the door on this voice. This inner voice is encouraging – “just try it.” This inner voice can motivate you – “you can do it.” Many times, the good inner voice seems as though it’s just a daydream because it makes things seem possible that might seem impossible. The good inner voice believes in you, believes in your ability, your skill set and your intentions.

Unfortunately, we think many times that the inner voice is just a fantasy voice, a voice that paints unicorns and rainbows. So what do we do? We shut it down and listen to the voice that makes more sense to us – the bad inner voice. That’s the voice that keeps it real, right?

Remember, the good inner voice targets the heart and the bad inner voice targets the mind. You are better than you think, if not, that good inner voice would never be there. Follow your heart a little more. Which voice should you start listening to? 

Don't forget to share this blog so you can encourage others: family, co-workers, friends. Give them something to get motivated! You never know what they might be going through. A few words of encouragement can go a long way.  

3 Lies You Tell Yourself Quite Often

“Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice.” 

– Steve Jobs

Last week I finished facilitating a two-month training for a company in Southern California. I trained approximately 25 managers on topics such as leadership, management, communication and coaching. The managers embarked on a journey to become better managers to lead their teams to their full potential.

During our coaching session, we discussed ways to properly train, motivate and engage a team. During one of our discussions, one of the managers shared with me that he has trouble motivating people because he’s not a good motivator. In that same session, another manager said how difficult it was to train her employees because she has no patience.

These comments are very typical for managers to say and are comments we tell ourselves quite often. I responded to these comments from the managers with a simple question: ”who told you that?”

Many times we convince ourselves that we are a certain way or we can’t do a certain thing. We think other people believe these things about us and we unfortunately use other people’s comments to confirm what we already believed about ourselves. These are lies, though. Time and time again I see people breakthrough these lies. Below are three common lies that hold us back.

I am not good enough

Many times, managers (or people in general) make comments such as “I am not a good motivator,” “I am not a good public speaker,” or “I’m just not good with numbers.” People are just not born motivating others or knowing how to speak in public. These are skills that can be learned and applied with time. Instead of telling yourself lies, ask yourself these questions:  

• How can I become better
• What can I change about myself to become better?
• How can I change? Am I willing to change?

You are good enough. In fact, I can guarantee that you’re better than you think. There is a lot of untapped talent and potential if you just get passed those lies you invented.

I can’t do that

The word can’t is one of the worst words you can use in your vocabulary. “I can’t resist chocolate,” “I can’t find time to go to the gym,” and “I can’t make it on time because I live far,” are the most common lies you can tell yourself. These are our favorite excuses and the word can’t is supposed to make it seem as though there is an external force out of our control that won’t allow us to overcome these obstacles.

Instead of always relying on the word ‘can’t’, substitute that word for the question, “How can I…?” For example, “how can I lose 15 lbs?”, or “how can I make time to go to the gym.”

Force yourself to find solutions instead of making excuses. You can do anything and I can, once again, guarantee that you have overcome obstacles in the past that not too many people could. You are stronger than you think.

That’s just not me

By now, you have a pre-conceived notion of who you are and who you are not. You have convinced yourself that you are not patient, you are not a leader, you are not assertive or that you are not joyful. I believe we have all these qualities inside of us and many times we actually utilize these qualities. For example, have you ever waited an hour in LA traffic? That’s patience! Yes, some people are more patient than others, but many times we are the ones that choose what quality we do or don’t exercise. Therefore, any time that our job or our family requires our patience, for example, we tend to run away and choose not to exercise our patience.

You possess great qualities in a human. You have the power to think, act and become anything. You can be a strong leaders, a patient parent, a loving boss, a joyful employee, an assertive project leader and an empathetic colleague. You just choose not to focus on those qualities you need. You can become anything you want, but you must convince yourself first.

Sometimes are jobs or our personal lives force us to be something we’re not. Perhaps you weren’t so responsible before but your career forced you to be responsible. I can guarantee (my last guarantee) that who you are now is not the same person who you were 5 years ago, and it won’t be the same person who you will 5 years from now. Who do you want to be? Do you want to be extraordinary or a person who keeps believing your own lies?

Don't forget to share this blog so you can encourage others: family, co-workers, friends. Give them something to get motivated! You never know what they might be going through. A few words of encouragement can go a long way.